i dont recognize my face anymore. not in photos. not in mirrors. not anywhere. i know what i look like. i have eyes. but the knowledge and the seeing dont match. i dont know when it started i know exactly when it started.
instagram was first. i was sixteen. posted a selfie. someone commented "you'd be pretty if you fixed your nose". i hadnt noticed my nose before. suddenly i couldnt see anything else. every mirror. every photo. every reflection in windows. just nose. just the wrong nose. the broken nose. THE NOSE THAT MADE ME UGLY.
i started using filters. facetune. photo editing apps. subtle at first. smooth the skin. whiten the teeth. slim the nose just a little. just to look like myself on a good day. but the good day version became the baseline. became what i should look like. what i was failing to look like in real life.
my boyfriend at the time didnt recognize me when we met in person. we'd been dating online for two months. sent him filtered photos every day. when he saw me real he looked disappointed BETRAYED. said i catfished him. said why would i lie about what i look like. i wasnt lying. the filtered version WAS me. the real version was the mistake.
got a nose job at nineteen. saved for two years. went to turkey because it was cheaper. the surgeon showed me computer predictions of how i'd look. perfect. exactly like the filters. exactly like the version of me that got likes. that got validation. that felt real. the surgery would make me real.
recovery was six weeks. couldnt post photos. couldnt show my face. watched my follower count drop. watched engagement plummet. if you dont post for six weeks the algorithm forgets you exist. your audience forgets you exist. YOU FORGET YOU EXIST.
revealed the new nose in a big post. before and after. everyone said i looked amazing. said i glowed up. said i should have done it sooner. got ten thousand likes. felt nothing. because when i looked in the mirror i still saw wrong. now it was my chin. my eyes too far apart. my forehead too big. THE NOSE WASNT THE PROBLEM THE FACE WAS THE PROBLEM.
got fillers at twenty-one. lip filler. chin filler. cheek filler. trying to match the face i created in facetune. the doctor said i didnt need it. i was young. i was pretty. but i showed him the photo. showed him what i was supposed to look like. he did it. they always do it if you pay them enough.
now my face is frozen. cant smile right. cant express emotion right. people ask if im okay because my face doesnt move when i talk. twenty-four years old with a forty year olds face. with a face that looks like a mask. with a face that looks like NOTHING HUMAN.
i spend four hours daily on social media. comparing. scrolling. seeing women with perfect faces. knowing theyre filtered. knowing theyre fake. but my brain doesnt know that. my brain sees perfect and sees me and does the math. PERFECT MINUS ME EQUALS WORTHLESS.
tried to quit. deleted instagram for two weeks. felt like i was drowning. felt like i didnt exist. if im not posting who am i. if im not being seen am i even here. redownloaded after day fifteen. posted immediately. got validation immediately. felt empty immediately.
my therapist diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder. prescribed medication. cognitive behavioral therapy. told me the filters are distorting my perception. told me social media is making me sick. but she doesnt understand social media didnt make me sick. social media showed me I WAS ALWAYS WRONG.
younger girls message me asking what surgeon i used. what filter works best. how to convince parents to pay for procedures. im creating the same sickness in them that i have. im spreading it like a virus. and i cant stop because stopping means admitting it was all wrong.
twenty-four years old. eight thousand dollars in cosmetic procedures. four thousand followers. cant remember what my real face looked like before i started editing it. cant separate the surgery from the person. cant find myself under all the modifications. I MADE MYSELF DISAPPEAR TRYING TO BE SEEN.
thirty-two thousand hours. i calculated it once. thats how long ive been playing world of warcraft. started when i was fourteen. im twenty-eight now. fourteen years. thirty-two thousand hours. FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE INSIDE A GAME.
people dont understand. they think its entertainment. they think its like watching TV or reading books. but you dont live inside a book. you dont have relationships inside a TV show. you dont build a life inside a movie. world of warcraft IS my life. the guild knows me better than my family. my online friends are my real friends. THE GAME IS MORE REAL THAN REALITY.
dropped out of college twice. couldnt balance raids with classes. raids were every tuesday thursday friday. eight pm to midnight. couldnt miss them. i was the main tank. forty people depending on me. what are classes compared to that. education is a scam anyway the degree wouldnt have mattered.
lost my girlfriend at twenty-three. she said i loved the game more than her. she was right. but she didnt understand. you cant pause a raid. you cant tell thirty-nine people wait my girlfriend wants attention. they would replace me. would find another tank. would forget i existed. the game demands total commitment or nothing.
work history is blank. a few fast food jobs. delivery driving. warehouse work. anything with flexible hours. anything i could quit when it interfered with raiding. my resume is fourteen years of unemployment punctuated by brief experiments in leaving the house. NO EMPLOYER WANTS SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN A GAME.
my mother cries. says i wasted my youth. says i should be married have kids have career have life. but ive had a life. ive led guilds. ive been a raid leader. ive mentored new players. ive achieved things she could never understand. world first kills. legendary items. achievements shes never heard of that meant EVERYTHING to hundreds of people who matter.
tried to quit three times. deleted my account. uninstalled the game. lasted two weeks maximum each time. the problem is reality is boring. work is boring. people are boring. conversations about weather and traffic and what did you watch on netflix. meaningless UNBEARABLY MEANINGLESS.
in the game every action has purpose. every quest has meaning. every level matters. every item upgrade is progress. real life has no levels. no achievements. no clear progression system. just wake up go to work come home sleep repeat until you die. HOW IS THAT MORE REAL THAN THE GAME.
sleep schedule is destroyed. raid times are eight pm to midnight. then another guild runs midnight to four am. different server different time zone. sometimes i join them too. sleep at five am wake at two pm. sunlight hurts. outside hurts. my body is adjusted to artificial light and chair and screen.
health deteriorating. back problems at twenty-eight. wrist pain. neck pain. eye strain. gained sixty pounds. doctor says prediabetic. says if i dont change my lifestyle. but changing my lifestyle means quitting the game. quitting the game means LOSING EVERYTHING I AM.
the guild just recruited a fourteen year old. reminds me of myself starting out. eager. dedicated. learning rotations learning mechanics. i watch him make the same choices. watch him prioritize raids over homework. watch him become what i became. and i help him because misery loves company.
new expansion coming soon. already requested time off work. two weeks to focus on leveling. on being world first. on mattering. my coworkers think im going on vacation. going somewhere real. IM GOING SOMEWHERE MORE REAL THAN ANYWHERE THEY'VE BEEN.
twenty-eight years old. no degree. no career. no relationship. no savings. no future that anyone would recognize as future. but i have full tier set. i have cutting edge achievement. i have realm first kills. these mean nothing to normal people but normal people mean nothing to me.
they say im addicted. say i need therapy. say i need to engage with real world. but what they call addiction i call THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE. what they call escapism i call home. what they call wasted life i call the only time i felt alive.
one hundred fourteen thousand dollars. thats my student loan balance. started at eighty-two thousand when i graduated. been paying for nine years. somehow i owe MORE now than when i started. THE DEBT GROWS FASTER THAN I CAN PAY IT.
they told me education was investment. told me it would pay off. told me college degree guarantees good job. i graduated with honors. double major. summa cum laude. worked three internships. did everything right. EVERYTHING RIGHT LED TO DEBT FOREVER.
first job paid thirty-two thousand annually. student loan payment was eight hundred monthly. rent was twelve hundred. utilities. food. insurance. health insurance through work but still copays still deductibles. doing the math. more money going out than coming in. this is impossible but this is normal.
parents dont understand. they paid for college working summer jobs. state school cost three thousand annually in 1985. now its thirty thousand per year. they say i must be bad with money. say i should budget better. say they had loans too and paid them off. THEY CANT COMPREHEND THE NUMBERS HAVE CHANGED.
tried income-based repayment. monthly payment went down to three hundred. felt like relief for two months. then realized. at three hundred monthly. the interest alone is five hundred. paying three hundred means the debt GROWS by two hundred every month. IM PAYING TO GO DEEPER IN DEBT.
switched back to standard repayment. eight hundred monthly. cant afford it. choose between loan payment and rent. choose between loan payment and food. choose between loan payment and medication. there is no good choice. EVERY CHOICE IS SUFFERING.
boyfriend proposed last year. said no. cant get married. my debt becomes his debt. cant do that to someone. cant tie someone to this anchor. he said he didnt care. said we'd figure it out together. but i care. cant start family with negative net worth cant bring children into generational poverty.
coworker just bought a house. same age as me. same degree. his parents paid for college. no debt. saved for down payment in three years. i cant save anything. cant build credit. cant qualify for mortgage with this debt-to-income ratio. hell own a house. build equity. retire someday. ill rent until i die. THE DEBT DETERMINES EVERYTHING.
looked into loan forgiveness. public service forgiveness requires ten years payments while working qualified nonprofit. switched to nonprofit work. pays less than private sector. twenty-eight thousand annually. been there six years. four more years of poverty wages then maybe forgiveness. maybe if the program still exists in four years.
government keeps changing the rules. changing eligibility. changing requirements. people who worked public service for nine years told their loans dont qualify. told they chose wrong repayment plan. told they worked at wrong type of nonprofit. THEY MOVED THE GOALPOSTS AFTER WE ALREADY STARTED RUNNING.
younger sister asked if she should go to college. told her no. told her trade school. told her anything but student loans. she said everyone goes to college. said she needs degree to get good job. i showed her my balance. showed her nine years of payments. showed her how the debt never decreases. she went to college anyway. THE TRAP CONTINUES.
read about countries where university is free. germany. norway. finland. americans say thats socialism. say nothing is free. say those countries have high taxes. id pay higher taxes. id pay double my taxes. anything would be better than this debt that never ends. than this monthly payment that buys nothing. than this interest that accumulates while i sleep.
thirty-one years old. no savings. no retirement. no home. no wedding. no children. no future that isnt defined by debt. they said education was the path to success education was the path to indentured servitude. and i volunteered for it. signed my name at eighteen. GAVE AWAY MY LIFE BEFORE I UNDERSTOOD WHAT LIFE WAS.
started onlyfans three weeks after turning eighteen. told myself it was temporary. told myself just until i saved enough for college. that was four years ago. never went to college. still on onlyfans. TEMPORARY BECAME PERMANENT BECAME IDENTITY.
saw other girls doing it. saw them posting screenshots of earnings. five thousand in a week. ten thousand in a month. i was working retail for nine dollars an hour. doing the math. one photo could make more than a week of folding clothes. THE CHOICE SEEMED OBVIOUS.
first month made three hundred dollars. disappointing but more than retail. second month made eight hundred. third month made two thousand. quit my job. this was easier. this paid better. this was empowering this was profitable.
algorithm rewards consistency. post daily or subscribers leave. started posting three times per day. then five. then constantly. checking phone every ten minutes. responding to messages. fulfilling custom requests. creating content. editing content. marketing content. EIGHT HOURS DAILY MINIMUM.
customs pay most. guy wants you to say his name. fifty dollars. guy wants specific outfit. hundred dollars. guy wants you to pretend youre his daughter. two hundred dollars. some requests made me uncomfortable discomfort is extra charge. the worse it makes me feel the more i can charge. MONETIZING MY OWN DEGRADATION.
cant tell family. mom thinks i do social media marketing. technically true. dad thinks i work remote for tech company. also technically true. brother saw my account somehow. hasnt spoken to me in two years. SUCCESS REQUIRES SECRECY.
tried dating. met guy on hinge. really liked him. third date he asked what i do for work. told him social media. he pushed. told him content creation. he pushed more. told him onlyfans. he left. didnt finish dinner. blocked my number. WHO WANTS TO DATE A PROSTITUTE even if prostitution is legal now normalized celebrated.
next guy i lied to. said i was a photographer. lasted six months. he found my account. someone sent it to him. anonymous message. just the link. watched him open it. watched his face change. tried to explain. tried to say its just work. its just content. its not real. BUT THE PHOTOS ARE REAL THE VIDEOS ARE REAL IM REAL.
he said he felt betrayed. said i lied about who i was. said he didnt sign up for this. we fought. i said sex work is real work. said my body my choice. said if he really loved me it wouldnt matter. he left anyway. they always leave
made forty-three thousand last year. good money for twenty-one. but cant put it on resume. cant explain employment gap. future employers will google me. future partners will google me. the internet never forgets and ive given it content that will exist forever.
younger girls message asking for advice. should i start onlyfans. i tell them no. tell them get education. get real career. but they see my earnings. see my lifestyle. see my photos that look like freedom. they dont see the messages. the requests. the things i do that i tell myself dont count because theyre digital. THEY SEE THE MONEY NOT THE COST.
tried to quit once. deactivated account. lasted four days. bills still come. rent still due. car payment still due. got so used to the money. got so dependent on it. going back to retail after making forty thousand. impossible. THE MONEY TRAPS YOU BETTER THAN ANY PIMP COULD.
some subscribers are normal. most arent. most are married. most are old. most want things their wives wont do. most want to pretend im their daughter their student their patient. most want the taboo. want the forbidden. WANT WHAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL IF IT WERENT JUST PRETEND.
celebrity creators normalized this. mainstream celebrities joining onlyfans. magazines calling it empowering. feminists calling it reclaiming sexuality. taking control of your body. but control means i can stop anytime. and i cant stop. bills wont let me stop. lifestyle wont let me stop. algorithm wont let me stop. THIS ISNT CONTROL THIS IS DEPENDENCE.
twenty-two years old. forty-three thousand annually. no degree. no career path. no relationships. face recognized. body archived. sexual acts documented and distributed and permanent. they said my body my choice i chose this. chose to create permanent documentation of my own commodification. chose to train the algorithm to show men what im willing to do for money. I CHOSE WRONG AND CANT UNCHOOSE.
seven dating apps. tinder bumble hinge okcupid plenty of fish coffee meets bagel the league. check all of them multiple times daily. swiping is now muscle memory. barely look at faces anymore. just swipe. just swipe. just swipe. SEARCHING FOR CONNECTION THROUGH REPETITIVE MOTION.
been using apps for six years. started when i was twenty-three. thought it was efficient. thought it was modern. thought wrong. six years. hundreds of matches. dozens of conversations. maybe thirty first dates. five second dates. zero relationships. THE APPS ARE DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU USING NOT TO HELP YOU LEAVE.
match with someone. get excited. send message. wait. maybe she responds. maybe she doesnt. seventy percent dont respond. of the thirty percent who respond most stop after three messages. conversation dies. match disappears. what did i do wrong nothing wrong. this is normal. this is how it works.
the ones who do talk. ask same questions. where do you work. what do you do for fun. seen any good shows lately. everyone asking same questions. everyone giving same answers. reading profiles that say love to laugh love to travel looking for partner in crime. EVERYONE IS IDENTICAL EVERYONE IS INTERCHANGEABLE.
finally get date scheduled. girl cancels day of. or ghosts. or shows up looking nothing like photos. or we meet and theres no chemistry. or theres chemistry but she was talking to five other guys. picked someone else. DATING BECAME COMPETITION BECAME MARKETPLACE BECAME DEHUMANIZATION.
paid for premium on tinder. paid for boost. paid to see who liked me. spent two hundred dollars monthly on dating apps. desperation disguised as investment. they promise more matches more visibility more chances. delivered more of the same. more swiping. more waiting. more disappointment. MORE PROFIT FOR THEM.
see women complain about too many matches. too many messages. cant keep up with all the attention. meanwhile i send fifty messages. get five responses. convert one to date. she doesnt show up. must be my photos hired professional photographer. new photos. same results.
algorithm determines who sees your profile. if you dont get matches quickly you get shown less. if you get shown less you get fewer matches. fewer matches means shown even less. death spiral. pay for boost and temporarily escape. boost wears off. back to invisible. VISIBILITY IS A SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE.
comparison is constant. see guy who looks like me. check his profile. better photos. better job. better bio. check girl i matched with. see shes also matching with him. and hundred others. competing with entire city. entire age range. entire male population. HOW DO YOU WIN A COMPETITION WITH INFINITE COMPETITORS.
friends met their partners before apps. married now. kids now. ask when ill settle down. tell them im trying. they say just be yourself. but myself gets no matches. edited version of myself gets matches but no dates. fake version of myself gets dates but no relationships. THERES NO VERSION THAT WORKS.
worst part is the hope. every new match could be the one. every message could lead somewhere. every date could be different. hope keeps you swiping. hope keeps you paying. hope keeps you believing if you just try a little harder. hope is the cruelest feature.
tried to quit. deleted all apps. lasted three weeks. felt like i was missing out. every potential match happening without me. every possible connection lost because i wasnt swiping. FOMO so strong it physically hurt. reinstalled. resumed swiping. resumed hoping. resumed suffering
twenty-nine years old. six years on apps. zero relationships. watching friends get engaged. watching coworkers have babies. watching life happen to people who met before apps ruined everything. EFFICIENCY MADE DATING IMPOSSIBLE. choice made commitment obsolete. abundance created scarcity of meaning.
the apps know this. they know if you find someone you leave. you stop being user. stop viewing ads. stop paying premiums. their success is my failure. their profit is my loneliness. THEY NEED ME TO KEEP SEARCHING NOT TO FIND. and i keep searching. keep swiping. keep hoping. because what else is there.
nineteen pills daily. counted this morning. laid them out. nineteen separate medications. started with one. ONE PILL FOR ANXIETY BECAME NINETEEN PILLS TO MANAGE THE SIDE EFFECTS.
was sixteen. having panic attacks. couldnt sleep. couldnt focus at school. mom took me to doctor. doctor talked to me for fifteen minutes. diagnosed general anxiety disorder. prescribed lexapro. said it would help. said it was safe. said millions of teenagers take it. SAID NOTHING ABOUT WHAT COMES AFTER.
lexapro worked for anxiety. mostly. but killed my appetite. lost twenty pounds in two months. doctor said thats concerning. prescribed medication to increase appetite. mirtazapine. took it. appetite came back. but so did drowsiness. sleeping fourteen hours daily. missing school.
doctor prescribed modafinil for drowsiness. worked. could stay awake. but heart racing. couldnt sit still. couldnt calm down. doctor said lets try adding propranolol for the physical anxiety symptoms. FOUR MEDICATIONS NOW TO FIX WHAT ONE MEDICATION BROKE.
propranolol helped heart rate. but blood pressure dropped. dizzy when standing. fainting in bathroom. doctor prescribed midodrine to raise blood pressure. five medications. age seventeen. told myself this is temporary. told myself once anxiety is managed we can reduce medications. that was nine years ago
lexapro stopped working after three years. tolerance they call it. doctor switched me to effexor. withdrawal from lexapro was hell. brain zaps. nausea. rage. doctor prescribed short-term benzodiazepines to ease transition. short-term became long-term. BENZOS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO STOP.
effexor worked better than lexapro. for a year. then it stopped. doctor increased dose. maxed out dose. switched to pristiq. same family of drugs. supposed to work better. caused worse side effects. sweating. tremors. sexual dysfunction. TWENTY YEARS OLD AND CANT ORGASM.
doctor prescribed wellbutrin to add to pristiq. for the sexual side effects. for the energy. worked somewhat. but increased anxiety. so increased benzodiazepines. then added buspirone for additional anxiety management. eight medications now. age twenty-one. starting to lose track of what treats what.
all these medications. no therapy. doctor said medications are first line treatment. said therapy is supplement. but insurance only covers fifteen minutes every three months with psychiatrist. enough time to report side effects. get prescriptions adjusted. get sent home. PILLS ARE CHEAPER THAN ACTUAL HELP.
developed insomnia. maybe from medications. maybe from anxiety. doesnt matter. doctor prescribed ambien. worked for sleep. but caused memory problems. doing things at night i didnt remember. eating. texting. once drove to store. no memory of it. SLEEPING BUT NOT SAFE.
switched from ambien to trazodone. safer supposedly. but morning grogginess. doctor prescribed yet another stimulant. then stomach problems started. acid reflux from all the medications. prescribed omeprazole. then constipation. prescribed laxatives. then headaches. prescribed supplements. EACH SOLUTION CREATES NEW PROBLEMS.
tried to stop everything once. went cold turkey. worst mistake. withdrawal from multiple medications simultaneously. couldnt function. couldnt eat. couldnt sleep. hallucinating. shaking. doctor said never stop abruptly. have to taper slowly. have to reduce gradually. but when. how. NO ONE HAS ANSWERS.
insurance fights every refill. prior authorization needed. proving i still need medications ive taken for years. sometimes coverage denied. have to pay out of pocket. nineteen medications. some generic. some brand name. eight hundred dollars monthly without insurance. what happens if i cant afford them
side effects are now normal. dry mouth. weight gain. cognitive fog. emotional blunting. sexual dysfunction. tremors. sweating. insomnia managed by more pills. anxiety managed by more pills. side effects managed by more pills. MANAGED NEVER CURED.
read about people who quit all psychiatric medications. felt better. clearer. more themselves. but also read about people who tried and failed. who relapsed. who got worse. who needed the medications after all. dont know which story would be mine and too afraid to find out.
twenty-six years old. ten years medicated. cant remember what baseline feels like. cant separate my personality from the chemical cocktail. cant tell if im better or just numbed. cant tell if im managing illness or creating dependence. CANT TELL WHO I WOULD BE WITHOUT THE PILLS.
doctor says im doing great. stable they call it. functioning. working. living independently. medication success story. but success means nineteen pills daily. means blood tests quarterly. means psychiatrist appointments until i die. means PERMANENT PATIENT. means this is as good as it gets.